


The LGBT Show

by AutisticWriter



Series: Aspec Characters [2]
Category: The Fast Show
Genre: Alcohol, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Attempt at Humor, Bars and Pubs, Best Friends, Bickering, Bigotry & Prejudice, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Closeted Character, Crying, Drunkenness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gay Male Character, Happy Ending, Hugs, Intersex, Intersex Character, LGBTQ Characters, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character, Monologue, Multi, Off-screen Relationship(s), One Shot, Packing, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Pride, Queer Themes, Queerplatonic Relationships, Questioning, Screenplay/Script Format, Self-Discovery, Slurs, Smoking, Swearing, Trans, Trans Archie, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 21:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10580256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: A collection of short fics about Fast Show characters being LGBTQAI+.





	

_Lesbian_

Esther loves Ted, but not in the way people think. She knows he feels the exact same way towards her.

Back in the Old Country, being gay was illegal. In fact, it was only made legal a couple of years ago. Which has always been a problem for Esther (and Ted for that matter) because she is gay.

She’d always know she was gay, but she couldn’t accept it. She was told to be gay was a sin, an abomination, and wrong. It hurt her beyond description to hear people talking about that – about her – in that way, but she couldn’t say anything, could she?

Meeting Ted was the most amazing thing that ever happened to her. After their second date, they went back to Ted’s flat. His curly hair was dark brown, his body lean and toned, but his appearance did nothing for her. And so she told him this; she told him about her sexuality, about her fears, about all the things she had never told anyone in her life.

And Ted just looked at her and burst into nervous, hysterical laughter. Because he was gay too, he liked her too... and he was scared too...

They had date after date after date, and everyone who saw them saw a heterosexual couple – a normal couple – walking along the street, holding hands and laughing. And that kept them safe.

Moving in together was a big move. They bought a little house together and lived like a married couple – and, later, actually as a married couple. Ted went out to work, she stayed at home, and they cuddled up together on the settee every night and watched the telly. The only difference between them and their friends was that they never slept together. They would have done if they wanted to, but the attraction just wasn’t there. They loved each other dearly, but not like that.

They stayed together over the years. When she was twenty and Ted was twenty one, they moved to England, a country where homosexuality was legal but attitudes were hardly liberal. Still, Ted got a job working at a country manner, gardening and doing general labour, and they moved into a beautiful cottage on the grounds. Ted lost his job when the house burned down (leaving him with nasty scars on the back of his neck), but they moved to another estate, and then another. It’s the sort of job Ted loves, and she loves to see him happy.

They’re in their sixties now, still living together in the same cottage, still sleeping in separate rooms, still living comfortably but effectively living a lie to the outside world.

For as long as they have lived on the Mayhew family’s estate, Esther has seen the way Master Ralph looks at Ted. And, in the last few years, she has noticed the way Ted looks at Ralph. She knows they love each other, but it doesn’t hurt her.

After all, she and Ted don’t love each other, do they? Well, certainly not in the way society wants them to.

\---

_Gay_

With some degree of apprehension, Ralph has finally agreed to go to the pub with Ted. He was worried that Ted’s friends would be mean to him (and, more importantly, to Ted), but it turns out his fears were unjustified. Simon, Bill and David grinned broadly when they saw him, and happily dragged two chairs over to their table. They even bought him and Ted drinks, and aren’t being funny with them even though Ralph is holding Ted’s hand. No, if anything, they look happy. Maybe they’re glad Ted is happy, although he isn’t sure. All that really matters is that they’re accepting the pair of them.

“Can I ask you a question, Mr Mayhew?” Simon asks, having another swig of his lager.

“Please, call me Ralph,” he says, his face flushing slightly. He and Ted are struggling enough to ignore their class differences without other people reinforcing them.

“All right,” Simon says, thankfully not getting annoyed and simply smiling. “So, can I ask you a question, Ralph?”

“Yes, of course.”

“What’s being gay like?”

Ralph stares at Simon, his face burning. Simon must be joking, but he looks serious. Was that really a sincere question? Simon, Bill and David are all staring at him, awaiting his answer, but he’s too stunned to say anything. Beside him, Ted is muffling hysterical laughter into his handkerchief.

He sits there awkwardly until Ted manages to calm himself down. And then Ted looks at Simon, his face flushed from laughing, and says, “What sort of question is that?”

“I was just wondering,” Simon says. “I’ve never met a gay bloke before.”

Ted’s eyes widen, his eyebrows rising as he cries, “What the feck d’you think I am?”

It’s Bill and David’s turn to have hysterics. Simon just looks confused. Ralph is watching the scene in mild amusement, interested in seeing how Ted and his friends interact.

“What, you’re gay too?”

“Yes,” Ted says, nodding and speaking in a tone that implies he thinks Simon’s being thick.

Clearing his throat, Simon has another swig of his beer and decides to change the subject.

It is like that every time he and Ted join Ted’s mates in the pub. They always end up embarrassing Ralph and themselves asking them odd and often invasive questions about their sexualities and their relationship. If he had to pick, the weirdest question he’s been asked so far as to be, “So, do you two, like... kiss and that?” To which Ted snapped, “Of course we fecking do!”

Ralph knows that they mean well, that Ted’s friend’s acceptance and friendly attitude towards him and his relationship with Ted is really rather sweet, but it does get a bit draining. And Ralph knows they might need to find a different pub to go to if they want a bit of privacy.

\---

_Bisexual_

“Do you want to come to Pride with me, Si?” Lyndsay asks.

Simon looks away from the TV and stares at his... How should he describe Lyndsay? He would call him his ‘boyfriend’ if they were both ten years younger (twenty six is far too old to have a ‘boyfriend’), and ‘partner’ sounds too formal. This is too confusing.

Anyway, Simon looks at Lyndsay and raises his eyebrows. Lyndsay sees this and frowns.

“I think it’d be fun. I’ve only been once before, and it’d be great to go with you,” Lyndsay says, and a smile spreads across his face. “We can paint our faces with the bi flag and make new friends and have a great time. What d’you say?”

Simon looks away. He sighs and starts to bite his bottom lip. Lyndsay sees him do this and shuffles closer.

“Si?”

He knows what’s wrong, but he doesn’t know how to vocalise this. Before Lyndsay, Simon had never gone out with a bloke before. It had never even occurred to him that he might not be straight. And he knows he does fancy ~~the annoying git~~ Lyndsay, but, somehow, calling himself bi doesn’t feel right.

“Are you all right, Si?”

He sighs again and shrugs his shoulders.

“You know, Si, if you don’t know how to label yourself, it doesn’t matter. Some people don’t like labels, and, anyway, as long as you’re not straight, you’re allowed to go to Pride.”

Simon finally makes eye contact. Lyndsay gives him a knowing smile.

“Are you a fucking mind reader?” he says. “How did you know I was thinking that?”

Lyndsay grins. “I’m not as thick as I look, Si.”

Feeling a bit less stressed, Simon grins back and hugs him.

“Thanks, mate.”

\---

_Transgender_

Archie has just sat down in his usual seat in the pub, his eyes on the TV as he drags on his cigarette, when he hears a familiar voice.

“Hang on, mate! Hold the bells!”

He looks up to see Billy hurrying across the pub towards a man stood at the slot machine. The man looks pissed off when he sees Billy, and sighs; Billy has a bit of a reputation for ~~annoying~~ helping people with the slot machine and jukebox, to the point that many people run for it when they see him coming. Archie doesn’t really care; he never uses either of the machines anyway (there aren’t any Frank Sinatra songs on the jukebox, and gambling stresses him out), and he finds Billy’s altercations with the various blokes very funny to watch.

Archie hasn’t seen his friend for a couple of weeks, and it’s great to see him again. Because he and Billy are friends; ever since they first got chatting (the exact circumstances surrounding that meeting aren’t something he likes to think about), they’ve got really close. They’re probably even best friends now – well, Billy’s certainly Archie’s best friend.

In an attempt to get Billy’s attention, Archie sticks his fingers in his mouth and whistles. And it works; Billy turns his head at the sudden noise and sees him.

“All right, Archie, mate!” he calls.

Giving him a wave, Billy grins and comes over. Behind him, the man Billy was harassing breathes a sigh of relief.

“How you doing, mate?” Billy asks.

“I’m all right,” Archie says, and he is all right; his head’s in the best place it’s been in months. “Haven’t seen you for a while.”

“Yeah, I took Mum on holiday,” Billy says, sitting down opposite him. “We went to Skegness. It pissed it down for most of the week, but I think she still enjoyed herself.”

Archie smiles. “That’s good.”

“I’m glad I’ve bumped into you, mate,” Billy says. “’Cause I’ve got something for you.”

“What, a present?” Archie says, still unable to believe he’s got a real friend.

“Yeah, but it’s more practical than a treat, really.”

“That’s not a problem,” he says, smiling.

Billy grins too. He pulls his rucksack off of his back and unzips it. As he fumbles around in his bag, he says, “I ordered it online. It took ages to come, and I forgot about it. But when we got back from Skegness it’d arrived, and I was dead chuffed, ‘cause I thought it was never going to come. Sorry, I’m babbling. Here you are, Arch.”

Billy passes him a cardboard box. Archie takes it, and finds his hands shaking. “Thanks.”

“No problem, mate,” Billy says. “You can open it now, but I wouldn’t get it out of the box right now.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll see.”

Intrigued and a little confused, Archie manages to open the box. He folds back the cardboard flaps and finds himself looking at something wrapped in clear cellophane. Looking closer, he sees something rather familiar... and his heart starts to race, because Billy can’t have bought him _that_ , can he?

He looks up, and he sees a mischievous look in Billy’s eyes. And Billy just smiles and nods his head.

Archie looks again, and he realises that it is what he thinks it is. Billy has bought him a packer.

“I remembered you said you were thinking of getting a new one, but you were skint. So... yeah, I thought I’d get you one instead.”

Billy is still smiling, and Archie smiles too. He can’t believe that Billy has done something like this; he really is an amazing friend. And then Archie does something he never normally does; he leans across the table and gives Billy a hug.

Billy is red when Archie pulls away. “It’s nothing, mate.”

“It’s not ‘nothing’,” Archie insists, feeling his eyes sting with suppressed tears. “Thank you so much.”

So, yeah, Billy may be an annoying git, but he’s also the kindest person Archie has ever met. And that might not mean a lot considering the general crappiness of the people he’s known in the past, but Billy genuinely is the best friend he could possibly have.

\---

_Questioning_

_Dave and his friends – James and Gary – are in the pub, standing and sitting at the bar. Dave is sipping from a pint glass of beer and James is drinking out of a bottle._

**Dave** : You know you came out while ago, Gal?

_Gary nods. There is a small, rainbow patterned badge pinned to his polo shirt._

**Dave:** Well, I’ve been thinking... and I’m not sure I’m straight.

_James and Gary look at each other and laugh._

**Dave** : ( _Confused_ ) What?

 **Gary:** You’ve only just worked it out, Dave? We’ve been waiting for you to come out for yonks.

 **Dave** : ( _Chuckling_ ) Nah, I’ve been a bit confused for a while, but I only really realised a few weeks ago.

 **James** : So what’s the announcement then, Dave? Which flag do we need to buy you?

 **Dave:** Huh?

 **Gary** : What’re you coming out as?

 **James:** There’s loads of letters in the acronym.

 **Dave** : Uh, I’m not really sure. All I’m sure of is that I’m not straight.

 **Gary:** You could be gay.

 **Dave:** ( _Nodding_ ) Yeah, s’pose I am gay, really. I’m not sure I’ve ever really fancied women, to be honest.

 **James** : But what about Shirley? You loved her, Dave, didn’t you?

_Dave is starting to look anxious, his eyes darting between his friends._

**Dave** : Um... did I love her?

 **James:** I’m sure you did, Dave.

_Dave whimpers. Then he smiles._

**Dave** : Yeah, of course I loved her.

 **Gary** : So you’re not gay, then.

 **James:** I bet you’re bisexual.

 **Dave** : Yeah, I’m probably bi, to be honest.

_Arthur the bartender leans across the bar, polishing a glass with a tea towel._

**Arthur** : Have you considered that you might be asexual?

_Dave looks between the three of them, confusion written on his face._

**Dave** : ( _Yelling_ ) I don’t know what I am!

_Dave starts crying. Concerned, James hugs him. Gary pats his back._

**James** : It’s not worth getting upset about, mate.

 **Dave** : I know. I’m just confused.

_Dave sobs into James’s shoulder. Gary and James look at each other. Gary smiles._

**Gary** : I know! Why don’t you say you’re Questioning. That’s perfectly valid. I mean, it’s the Q in the LGBT+ thing, isn’t it?

 **James** : I thought that stood for Queer.

 **Gary** : It’s for both of them. So, what d’you think, Dave?

_Dave pulls away from James and wipes his eyes. He smiles._

**Dave** : I like that. Questioning... Yeah... yeah, that sounds right.

_The three friends grin and James claps his hand on Dave’s shoulder. And then they go back to drinking beer and watching football on the TV as though nothing has just happened._

\---

_Asexual_

_The Brilliant Kid addresses the camera as he walks along a busy backstreet. As he speaks, his background and outfit change and the picture changes from colour to monochrome and then back again for no apparent reason._

**Brilliant Kid** : Ain’t sexual orientations brilliant? I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry; this ain’t gonna be the same as the last time I talked about this. Though they are brilliant, aren’t they? But I’m actually only really gonna talk about one sexuality this time. It’s always forgotten about, but it’s really important. And it’s certainly important to me. You know Darren, my brilliant boyfriend? Well since getting with him I’ve met loadsa people who’re gay and otherwise queer. I’ve even joined a LGBT club. Ain’t that brilliant?

_He points to a badge with the gay pride flag on it that is pinned to the front of his jacket, alongside his bisexual badge._

**Brilliant Kid** : This is me badge. It means I’m part of the club. Ain’t badges brilliant? But to get back on track, I’ve met some brilliant people at the LGBT club. In fact, I think I’ve got a new best friend. Her name’s Sophie, and she’s asexual. Now, you’re probably thinking ‘what’s that mean?’, and that’s a problem. You see, even among queer people, asexual people are forgotten about. Some people even think they’re straight. ( _He pulls a confused facial expression_ )I know, it don’t make sense, does it? I mean, how’s Sophie straight when she doesn’t fancy blokes? ‘Cause that’s what asexuality is. It means you don’t fancy anyone. That’s it. They’re not weird. Or broken. They’re brilliant and wonderful and valid, especially Sophie. So that’s that. My best mate’s asexual, and I think she’s BRILLIANT!

\---

_Intersex_

_Rowley Birkin is sat in his usual chair by the fire. He has a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. He looks groggy and rather drunk and is having a conversation with a man seated just off camera. His voice is mumbling and slurred when he speaks._

**Rowley** : Back when I was at university, doing my law degree ( _Mumbles drunkenly_ ) ...I had my first girlfriend... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...a lovely girl, if a bit gobby... She was... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...and I... well, we got drunk, ( _grins_ ) you know how it is at parties. ( _Mumbles_ ) ...Long story short we ( _Mumbles on for at least ten seconds_ ) ...and we ended up in someone’s bedroom... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...I don’t remember much... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...we were kissing... I accidentally bit her lip... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...and then we were naked... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...and she looked at me and said, ‘Blimey, what’s wrong with your balls?!’ ( _Laughs weakly and sips his whiskey_ ) ...It’d never occurred to me... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...I’d never seen another bloke’s gonads to make the comparison... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...but it turns out I’ve got really small testicles...

_Rowley takes a drag on his cigarette and taps it against the ashtray. He grins._

**Rowley** : Never knew what the problem was, mind you... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...it didn’t really bother me... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...but apparently they’d always been small... ( _Mumbles_ ) ... still, I never really cared... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...It wasn’t until years later when... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...the subject of Birkin’s balls came up again... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...my daughter’s always been into family history, doing our family tree... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...that sort of bollocks... anyway, she made us all have a DNA test... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...had to swab the inside of my cheek... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...three week later the results came back... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...turns out we’re descended from the Vikings... ( _Laughs_ ) ...I know... But then the doctor... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...took me into the room... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...something weird on my test... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...I thought he was going to tell me I was dying or something, but... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...he looked at me and said I’ve got _two_  X chromosomes! ( _He laughs, his eyes wide_ ) I know... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...made no sense to me. ... and I was stone cold sober...

_He has a swig of whiskey and another drag on his cigarette._

**Rowley** : ( _Mumbles_ ) ...I went and saw my GP... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...grumpy sod but very knowledgeable... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...and he said something about being intersex. ( _Mumbles_ ) ...I was still confused, but... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...of course I was drunk... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...But the next morning I looked it up at the library... ( _Mumbles_ )... actually quite common... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...as many of us as there are redheads. ( _Laughs_ ) I know, I know... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...A few weeks later... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...went to the club... Humphrey was there. You know him... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...complete arsehole! Anyway, he said to me... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...and we had a few whiskeys... ( _Mumbles_ )... told him about my discovery... he was confused.... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...tried to explain, but... ( _Mumbles_ )... And he said, ‘Birkin’s a hermaphrodite!’ And... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...I said not to... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...its offensive... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...he laughed and said... ( _Makes a high pitched twittering noise_ ) ...so I told him to stick us head up his arse! ( _Laughs hysterically_ ) ...I know I was rude, but... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...he _is_ an arse... ( _Mumbles_ ) ...and can you blame me? And, of course, I was very, very drunk.

_Rowley grins and downs his drink._

**Author's Note:**

> Rowley's intersex traits are based on XXY syndrome aka Klinefelter syndrome.


End file.
